How to Write a Toronto FC Article

Learn the form that has (surprisingly) a lot less swearing than you'd think
by Sonja Missio   |   Friday, May 17, 2013

Red Dawn Rising - column on Toronto FC (TFC) & the Toronto Ontario soccer scene

I’m starting to suspect that I could submit the exact same article every week and no one would be the wiser (except for the fact that I haven’t been submitting an article every week, but that’s beside the point).

Oh, sure, I would have to occasionally change the word “draw” to “loss” and the opposing team’s name, but really, I think I could get away with it.

A sentence or two on a lucky Toronto FC break that results in a highlight-reel-worthy goal, a following paragraph on squandered chances and promising plays that result in naught, and then a sentence on a terrific save by Joe “Better than Buffon” Bendik (because coming up with my own nickname keeps my articles fresh).

Then, I’d finish it up by understating a remarkable 84th goal by the other team, include a soundbyte from TFC on changes for the next match – including a new signing – and voilà! You have everything covered.

Now, this is not meant to be insulting to the actual soccer journos who cover each match. Trust me: I have the upmost respect for those who cover soccer – and TFC (hey Kamal!) – on a daily basis. Rather, this is meant more to amuse myself – the frustrated fan. Otherwise, all that would be in my notebook (yes, I write my articles longhand) would be tear-soaked pages, instead of any actual words.

So, in the spirit of Toronto’s most recent last-minute-loss, I present to you my new method of writing a Toronto FC article; a journalistic template, if you will.

More colloquially known as a MadLib. Let’s call it a MissioLib (because "Missio" and "mad" are often synonyms).

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Headline: Toronto Sees Red: TFC Loses to [MLS TEAM] in Late Minute Drama

Subhead: Toronto FC has [INSERT: some sort of pun]

On [DATE], Toronto FC took on [AFOREMENTIONED MLS TEAM] in a clash that robbed the Reds from 3 points in the [NUMBER FROM 80 to 94]th minute.

The Reds started off strong, with a screamer of a goal from [CHOOSE: Robert Earnshaw or Justin Braun] in the 15th minute. TFC managed to hold onto the lead until just before the half when [AFOREMENTIONED TEAM’S DESIGNATED PLAYER] scored from a set piece just outside the box in front of the Toronto net.

The second half saw Toronto come on strong, which included 2 fantastic saves from “Better ThaN Barthez” Bendik, the second which is currently being considered for MLS Save of the Week. However, Bendik’s efforts were not strong enough. Two missed chances from [CHOOSE: Luis Silva or Reggie Lambe] and miscommunication by defenders gave way for [YOUNG PLAYER ON AFOREMENTIONED MLS TEAM] to score his first ever MLS goal, winning the match for his team.

At a surprise press conference held this morning by the Toronto FC, manager Ryan Nelsen announced that the club has let go of [INSERT: player you forgot played for the team but makes you go “oooh yeah!” when you hear his name] and have hired [INSERT: player that is over the age of 32 who has played for either Queens Park Rangers or the New Zealand National Team or both].

Toronto will take on [ANOTHER MLS TEAM] this Saturday, make sure you come early and be prepared for [INSERT: hail or snow or torrential downpour or road closures due to some sort of Toronto heritage event].

UPDATE: Toronto FC has announced that it hasn’t actually hired [INSERT: name of player from either Queens Park Rangers or the New Zealand National Team or both from above] and no one is sure if the deal has gone through. But don’t worry, because there is a ton of Internet speculation to hold you over until you completely forget all about it.

NEXT UP: May 18 – Toronto FC vs. Columbus Crew, BMO Field, Toronto, ON, Canada. 5 p.m. TSN, MLS LIVE.

Sonja MISSIO

Nationality:
Canada
College:
Univ. of Guelph, Univ. of W. Ontario, Brock University
Club Domestic:
Toronto FC
Club Foreign:
Udinese
Supported Udinese since birth, TFC was her own stupid decision; writing on her masochistic relationship with soccer started after. Doomed as a Canadian - Friulano - Swiss - Filipina. Searching for Juventini actually from Turin and running for FIFA Prez.
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